


Lance Blanc in Vampire Lust IV: Eternal Bone

by violet_quill



Category: Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Brothers, Gen, Humor, Porn Video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-26
Updated: 2010-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-14 03:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violet_quill/pseuds/violet_quill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are just some things you really don't want to know about your brother. Definitely some things you don't want to <i>see</i>. Ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lance Blanc in Vampire Lust IV: Eternal Bone

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonlight69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight69/gifts).



> Set a few months after _Blood Rites_.
> 
> My gratitude to the like 3 people with whom I brainstormed to come up with "Lance Blanc." Porn names are srs bizness.

I wondered if Harry was starting to get tired of feeling that he needed to knock on his own door.  I should probably do something about that.  Maybe reassure him that he wouldn’t arrive home to find a naked girl on his couch.  Okay, I should clarify – a naked girl with his _brother_.  Though honestly, if I presented a naked girl to Harry all wrapped up in a bow, he wouldn’t know what to do with her.

Seriously.  I tried that once.

But today there was no nudity involved, unless you count the fact that I wasn’t wearing a shirt.  He just knocked, and even though he was already pushing the door tentatively open, I called cheerfully, “Come in!”

Harry did not look happy.  My face fell when he looked down at me with an expression I’ve seen before.  I’d only been living with him for a few months – hell, he’d only known I was his brother for a few months – but I’d already gotten acquainted with his “goddamnit, Thomas” look.

Without a word, he slapped something onto the coffee table in front of me.  It was a DVD.  It was, in fact, pornography; trust me, I could recognize porn at fifty paces.

Though it was only when I leaned forward and got a better look that I paled.  And when I say pale, for me is _pale_ , because I’m not exactly George Hamilton to begin with.  In fact, and this is very relevant to why that particular porno was such a big deal, I’m unnaturally pale.  Along with unnaturally strong, unnaturally fast, and unnaturally sexy.  I’m a White Court vampire, and we won’t drain your blood but we _will_ carve away your soul one kiss at a time.  I’m a monster, and I have to feed off of the lust and desire of humans, but unlike the rest of my family, I don’t like hurting people.  So I don’t... at least not very much, not in a way they’d notice.  Which is one of the reasons why I’m destitute and living on my wizard brother’s couch instead of in the family mansion.

“Uh, hi, Harry,” I said, clearing my throat.  “If you’re planning on watching that I can just go for a walk…”

“Oh, no you don’t,” he said, and glared down at the DVD case as if it were personally trying to ruin his day.  Then back up at me with the same expression. 

“Though honestly, Harry,” I continued, ignoring him, “I’m not sure why you even have this since you don’t have a DVD player and all…”  He didn’t have a VCR either, or a television.  Because being a wizard, my brother had a tendency to make technology go boom.  Which begged the question of how he got his porn at all (yes, I’m assuming he _got_ porn, as he is a single thirty-something male who I know for a fact hasn’t gotten laid in years).  But these were questions that I just did not want to ask.

“I have this,” said Harry, “because I confiscated it from Billy.  I mean, there I was, about to enjoy a nice game of Dungeons and Dragons – “

I snorted.

He ignored me.  “And one of Billy’s friends says, hey, let’s put on Star Wars in the background – “

I snorted again.

He glared.  “Anyway, as soon as they made sure I was sitting as far from the TV as humanly possible, someone accidentally grabs the wrong DVD, and guess what’s on the screen.”

I looked down at the DVD case, resigned.  “Vampire Lust four,” I said, sighing.

“Eternal Bone.”

“Eternal Bone,” I agreed miserably.

“So everyone starts laughing, of course,” said Harry, “because first of all, porno party foul.”

Yeah, those were rough.

“And also, because apparently it’s a _chick_ porno – “

Arturo, I thought, would be glad to hear that.  He always thought that the artsiest stuff appealed to women even more than men.

“At least judging by how pretty the guy getting naked on the screen was,” said Harry.

“Pretty?” I repeated, lifting an eyebrow.

Harry looked flustered, and stabbed a finger at me menacingly.  “Don’t you get cute with me, Thomas – “

“Don’t you mean pretty?”

He scowled, and pointed down at the DVD.  “Or should I say _Lance Blanc_?”

My eyes drifted down to the DVD case.  In large, scrolling letters it read “LANCE BLANC in Vampire Lust IV: Eternal Bone.”  Underneath there was an image of a shirtless man leaning over a naked woman in her bed.  She was arching up toward him with an expression of utter ecstasy.  His expression was one of hunger, punctuated by a pair of fake fangs peeking out over his lips.  He had dark, curling hair and very, very pale skin.  Unnaturally pale.  Unnaturally sexy.

Oh yeah, that was me.

“You should tell Billy to hold onto this,”  I said, managing to maintain my dignity.  “It might be worth something someday.  I hear Lance Blanc is retired.”

Harry rolled his eyes, and finally sank down into a chair.  It groaned under his weight; my brother does not have high-quality furniture.  “He says Georgia picked it up,” he said.  “Apparently they hadn’t even watched it yet.”

I found myself really hoping that was true.  Not that I had much to do with Harry’s werewolf friends anyway, but there was always the possibility…  “So how did you end up with it?” I asked.

He looked sheepish.  “I told them I sensed some demonic energy coming from it.”

“Demonic porn.”

“Yeah, well, I think Billy was just glad to have the excuse to turn it off before anymore of Lance Blanc’s bits starts showing.”

I coughed.  “Any _more_?”

“Thomas, what I have seen tonight cannot be unseen.”  Harry glared at me, shaking a finger again.  “ _Cannot be unseen_.  This is the stuff of brain bleaching, brother.  I’m not sure I’ll recover.”

“I thought you said he was pretty,” I pointed out innocently.  Because apparently I had a death wish.

He did kind of look like he wanted to murder me, actually.  “You know, you could have told me you’d done porn.”

I gave him a Look.  “Oh, please.  Like you didn’t guess?  I mean, you spent enough time around the family business.  You knew Lara was an actress…”

The very slightest hint of a blush rose to my brother’s cheeks, which was what usually happened when the subject of my sister (not his – she’s from the _other_ side of my family) and nudity came up.  “Okay, fine, I guess I just didn’t want to think about it.”

“I only did a few,” I said.  “Kind of got bullied into it.”

The expression on Harry’s face changed.  I knew then that he was thinking about exactly how good at bullying my family was.  He was probably remembering, in fact, me naked and tied up in a cave while my father held a knife to my throat.  And then he paled a little too, and I knew he was probably remembering my father snapping my neck.

That had hurt.  I should probably be dead now.  Some of my life I owe to Harry, some to luck.  And even some to my sister, even though I still thought she was a psychopath half the time.

“Can I just ask you one thing?” he finally said.

“I guess.”

He looked back down at the DVD cover, then up at me.  “ _Vampire_ porn?  _Really_?”

My expression turned suitably sheepish.  “Oh, you know… Anne Rice, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt…”

“Uh huh,” said Harry.  He pointed down at the coffee table.  “I am going to take a shower.  In which I will try to pretend that I can scrub out my eyes.  And when I get back I expect that to not be here.  And we will _never speak of this again_.”

I nodded.

He rose to his feet with a sigh.

“Hey Harry?” I added as he turned to go, and he looked back at me with a wary expression.  “You want me to put a shirt on too?  Wouldn’t want you to get all excited, what with all the blinding prettiness.”

“I hate you,” he muttered, and started shuffling back toward the bathroom.

“Better make it a cold shower!” I called after him, and he shoved a hand behind him, muttered something under his breath, and suddenly I was knocked back onto my ass on the floor.

Having a brother is awesome.

 


End file.
